There seems to be a great divide within me these days. There is a "the way I use to be" and the "I don't know anymore". I'm not sure how to reconcile the two. I use to be in the candidacy process, I use to be a children's minister, a religion major, headed to seminary. I use to be in love with a God I thought was so real, alive, and ever present. Something happened.
The bible became a fable, the mysteries of faith- a lie. I no longer felt God's presence and could say with no fear that God was not real. I scoffed at Christians and began to hate the very kind of people that I use to be.
I have been asking myself lately... Am I mad at God? Do I still believe in God. Am I angry at some church experiences or hurting over old situations. Why do I feel so negativly towards Christianity? To be honest I have been caught up in blaming the extremes on why the church is the way it is today. I haven't stopped to look at myself. For all the good churches do I seem to want to look past it and just pick on the bad parts.
We all long for a connection. We want love and community. Are religions just a way to fill that need for connection or is there more to religion than that? Religion can help us figure out the kind of people we want to be. I want my religion to be more than a moral code. I want this God thing to be real, to be touchable, maybe even to be infallible. I guess maybe I'm thinking of God and faith as something conceptual. Maybe I should think of them as verbs- like the faithing.
What if God is found in our doing. Maybe we are God to each other. Maybe through all my internal confusion I will have better understanding one day..... until then I'll remain one confused jive turkey.
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